Monday, May 13, 2013
Suggestion for the Automated Switchboard of a Psychiatric Hospital.
Thank you for calling.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press '1' repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone else to press '2'.
If you have multiple personalities, press '3', '4', '5' and '6'.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; just stay on the line and we will trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press, we won't answer your call anyway.
( If you are a GP, forget about referring a patient because there aren't any beds. )
Thank you for calling.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press '1' repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone else to press '2'.
If you have multiple personalities, press '3', '4', '5' and '6'.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; just stay on the line and we will trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press, we won't answer your call anyway.
( If you are a GP, forget about referring a patient because there aren't any beds. )
Family Troubles
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?"
He got this reply...
"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only my wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?"
He got this reply...
"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only my wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Three surgeons met at a convention, and during the break, they began discussing what types of patients they liked to operate on.
The first doc said, "I prefer to operate on short people because it's more of a challenge to get the job done without making as large an incision."
The second surgeon replied, "Challenge, shmallenge. I prefer to operate on oriental people because their anatomy is always textbook perfect. Everything is in the right place every time.
The third doctor said, "Obviously neither of you has ever done surgery on a lawyer. They are by far the easiest patients to cut on. When you open them up, you'll see that they have no heart, they certainly have no guts, and their rear end is interchangeable with their mouth."
The first doc said, "I prefer to operate on short people because it's more of a challenge to get the job done without making as large an incision."
The second surgeon replied, "Challenge, shmallenge. I prefer to operate on oriental people because their anatomy is always textbook perfect. Everything is in the right place every time.
The third doctor said, "Obviously neither of you has ever done surgery on a lawyer. They are by far the easiest patients to cut on. When you open them up, you'll see that they have no heart, they certainly have no guts, and their rear end is interchangeable with their mouth."
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