Suggestion for the Automated Switchboard of a Psychiatric Hospital. 

Thank you for calling.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press  '1'  repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone else to press  '2'.

If you have multiple personalities, press  '3', '4', '5'  and  '6'.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want;  just stay on the line and we will trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press, we won't answer your call anyway.

( If you are a GP, forget about referring a patient because there aren't any beds. )