Who to call ....  The Proctologist  or  The Ophthalmologist?? 

A man with a glass eye had been out for a night on the town.  Being the worst for wear, when he stumbled into bed, he dropped his glass eye into his drinking water on the bed table.  During the night, he drank the water and swallowed the eye.

A day or so later he was suffering from severe constipation, so he went to his local M.D.  The doctor inserted his proctoscope and muttered under his breath, "Good grief, I've looked up plenty of assholes before, but this is the first one to ever look back at me." 

Q.   What does an orthopaedic surgeon call the heart.
A.   A soft tissue organ for pumping cefuroxime around the body.

Q.   What do you call 2 orthopaedic surgeons reading an ECG.
A.   A double blind trial.

Q:   What did the patient say to the annoying doctor during Liposuction surgery?
A:   Doc, you're really starting to get under my skin!! 

Q.   How do you hide a £5 note from a General Surgeon?
A.   Hide it in the Patient's Notes.

Q.   How do you hide a £5 note from an Orthopaedic Surgeon?
A.   Hide it in a Textbook.

Q.   How do you hide a £5 note from a Plastic Surgeon?
A.   Trick Question - You can't. 

The Evolution of Medicine

I have an earache ...

2000 BC - Here, eat this root.
1000 AD - That root is heathen.  Here, say this prayer.
1850 AD - That prayer is superstition.  Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD - That potion is snake oil.  Here, swallow this pill.
1985 AD - That pill is ineffective.  Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 AD - That antibiotic is artificial.  Here, eat this root.

"Pheasant Huntin' Docs"

There is a GP, a Physician and a Surgeon going on a shooting holiday.

They look up at a flying bird.

GP :	"It looks like a pheasant and I think it's a pheasant, but I'm not sure."
Physician :	"By the wing span and the way it flaps its wings and its plumage, I'd say it is almost certain to be a pheasant.  But I couldn't exclude it being a grouse."

The Surgeon shoots the bird and waits for it to flop to the ground.

Holding it up he says: "It was a pheasant!"

What's the difference between a physician, a surgeon, a psychiatrist, and a pathologist ?

The physician knows everything and does nothing.
The surgeon knows nothing and does everything.
The psychiatrist knows nothing and does nothing.
The pathologist knows everything, but always a week too late.